Losing Faith

In a remote town lived a gifted sculptor. His work decorated the town’s streets and parks and everyone agreed that it was extraordinarily beautiful. But the artist was reclusive and remained out of sight. One day a visitor arrived and so admired the statues that he insisted on meeting the sculptor, but no one could tell him how to find the artist he sought.

In fact, it turned out that none of the townspeople had actually met him; the sculpture had just appeared, as if on its own.

Then an old man stepped forward and said that he had been fortunate enough to meet the elusive sculptor.

“How did you manage that?” The visitor asked.

The old man replied, “I stood before these wonderful works of art and kept admiring them. The more I gazed the more I saw. There was intricacy and subtlety beyond anything I had ever observed before. I couldn’t stop marvelling. Somehow the sculptor must have become aware of my rapture, for, to my astonishment, he appeared by my side. I said, “Why did you pick me to show yourself to, when no one else has found you, no matter how hard they searched?”

He said, “No creator can resist appearing when His work is loved as intensely as you love mine.”

-Parable excerpt from War of the Worldviews-

Is the Sculptor really there or is this whole God thing a matter of perception?

Growing up, I was told that “Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

What happens when you stop being sure of what you hope for and you long for some sort of concrete evidence for that which you can neither see NOR feel? Simply because, believing in something you’ve experienced personally is much more impactful than believing based on what others have experienced or has shared or handed down.

I can hear echoes of “Precisely why your faith should be a one of a personal decision/experience and not inherited from someone else”. At the point when I made a decision, it was personal, but maybe it was not fully tested.

I remember ‘praying’ and asking for guidance* from God but I’ve never experienced the ‘Guidance of God’s Hands’ as some people have shared. My decisions have always been made because it was time to make a decision. Oftentimes it seemed lonely and silent. How then do I interpret the reality that I have experienced? I come to the following conclusions:

1.       I don’t love God genuinely enough hence He hasn’t ‘shown Himself’ to me

2.       God doesn’t want me or doesn’t love me enough to have a plan for my life so it doesn’t really matter what I do or maybe i'm not asking in accordance to His will

3.       God is only real to people He has ‘chosen’

4.       Maybe He did guide me but I’m dismissing it as nothing or no answer

5.       The experiences that people have are interpreted based on the pre-existing belief that they have (That God will guide them), hence whatever outcome that materialized is credited to God.

6.       God doesn’t exist, hence the guidance I seek did not come or will never ever come.

*Guidance includes reading the Scriptures we have been given and supposedly putting time aside to pray about it. Maybe guidance could have come from some form of wisdom realized, some closed doors or open opportunities after all that? I’m not expecting a booming voice to give me direct answers.

How do you deal with the inconsistency of what Faith teaches you with the experience you have of the reality around you?  

Someone then asked, “What kind of evidence do you want to see?” Honestly, I do not know how to answer that=(  What I know is that, the Faith has taught me that there exists  a true God who is personal, loving, merciful and all powerful. But my experience and observation of the world around me has shown me that the world we live in is a cruel place, filled with selfish people propagating their own agendas at the expense of someone else’s rights. Or people caught in systems in which they are a victim of. Disease and sickness eat into us eventually and people suffer. But I don’t see the loving intervention from a God who is all powerful and all knowing. (And again I can imagine echoes of “This is why this world is not all there is and life beyond death is what matters more” being said. Its easier to say things like these when we are not the ones going through the suffering ).

6 days a week we see the reality of the world we live in. On the last day of the week, I am supposed to meditate and praise God for how good He is? It is hard to reconcile the two=( Even more when it seems as if everyone else is okay with the way the world is – so we busy ourselves with other activities, believing that we are making a difference for ‘eternity’.  (I say this with humility and also of shame for I know I am guilty of doing the same).

How do you deal with the teachings which the Faith teaches you when you cannot fully comprehend why it is so?

The foundation of faith depends on how well grounded you are in the faith’s main tenets. And so I thought that maybe my foundation is poor. Let’s try to cement that first. But the more I try to learn about the basic tenets, the more I find it hard to swallow or accept what some of what the tenets say. Can you truly still believe if you can’t even agree with the some of the basic tenets of the Faith? Does being a believer mean accepting everything the Faith says 100% because we might not know any better and He does?=(  Sometimes I listen to people of other Faiths justify their version of “What’s the point of it all” and I think to myself, what makes their explanation less valid than ours?

Why should I continue deceiving myself and say that I believe when I’m clouded with doubt? Where is the guidance of the Holy Spirit or Him who is supposed to be my counsellor and guide me towards belief? This is where some may say that my heart has been hardened.

The longer I hold on to this belief and the silence it brings, the more it seems as if what I’ve believed in thus far has been merely a matter of perception.  I cannot continue believing based on the experiences other people have had right? Why can’t God show me who He is if He truly is out there? Is He truly personal?

I share this humbly, acknowledging that I need help. I can’t seem to figure it out. Maybe you guys can share what your experience has been in your own journey of growing up and figuring it out the purpose of this journey.

I hope I do not sound arrogant or all knowing because honestly, my understanding and knowledge is limited, filled with biasness and permeated with assumptions. If I have taken anything out of context or misquoted texts, do correct me. I look forward to having a deeper understanding to what was actually meant. I am not looking for a God or someone to answer my selfish whims and wants. I genuinely want to understand the reason for why life is worth the living because I can’t seem to find any at this point of time.